How to Be Black Read online

  How to Be Black

  Baratunde Thurston

  Dedication

  To my mother, Arnita Lorraine Thurston, who embodied authenticity and taught me how to be black, American, human, and awesome. I miss you, Mommy Lady.

  Contents

  Dedication

  Introduction: Thanks for Celebrating Black History Month by Acquiring This Book

  Where Did You Get That Name?

  When Did You First Realize You Were Black?

  Mama Thurston

  How Black Are You?

  Do You Know What an Oreo Is?

  Wealth-Related Horse Violence

  Why Are You Wearing That White Man Over Your Heart?

  The U.S. Propaganda Machine: A Middle School Paper

  The White Student Union

  How to Be The Black Friend

  How to Speak for All Black People

  Have You Ever Wanted to Not Be Black?

  Can You Swim?

  Going Black to Africa

  But I Don't Want to Kill People

  Being Black at Harvard

  How to Be The Black Employee

  How to Be The Angry Negro

  How to Be The (Next) Black President

  How's That Post-Racial Thing Working Out for Ya?

  The Future of Blackness

  Afterword: Race Work and Art—The Black Panel Speaks

  Acknowledgments

  About the Author

  Credits

  Copyright

  About the Publisher

  INTRODUCTION

  Thanks for Celebrating Black History Month by Acquiring This Book

  Be not afraid of blackness. Some are born black. Some achieve blackness, and others have blackness thrust upon them.

  —Shakespeare*

  Welcome to How to Be Black, a book I hope will serve as a thrust of blackness in your general direction.

  First, let’s get the disclaimer out of the way. This book is not How to Become a Black Person If You Are Not Already Black. You cannot use this book as a magic potion. You cannot digest the printed copy and expect some supernatural physical transformation beyond painful indigestion. If you purchased the book with the intention of changing your race, I thank you for your money, but there will be no refunds. None.

  Now, more to the heart of the matter, the odds are high that you acquired this book during the nationally sanctioned season for purchasing black cultural objects, also known as Black History Month. That’s part of the reason I chose February as the publication date. If you’re like most people, you buy one piece of black culture per year during this month, and I’m banking on this book jumping out at you from the bookshelf or screen. Even if you’re reading the book years after its original publication, it’s probably February-ish on your calendar. That’s absolutely fine. You’re doing your part to celebrate blackness, whether you are black or not, so I’m going to run with that and offer you some helpful instructions for how to take further advantage of this month. You asked for it. You got a book called How to Be Black, so don’t start complaining now.

  There are, of course, small everyday opportunities to celebrate blackness: covertly swapping birthday confetti to red, black, and green colors; giving the secret head nod and mild fist pump to a black person across the restaurant; stealthily assembling forty-acre tracts of suburban land and mules for conversion into African-American farmland and militia-training grounds. The list is endless. But what should one do during the official month designated by the U.S. government for the celebration of black history?

  Even for black people, this is no simple task, and if you’re not black, well, wow, the confusion! One can find oneself at wits’ end in an attempt to properly recognize the contributions of an entire race to an entire nation across an entire month. Things weren’t always this complicated.

  In 1926, Negro History Week was established by the black historian and author Carter G. Woodson. It was expanded to a full month in 1976 after the government realized that black people’s demands for self-determination and an equal seat at the table of American opportunity could be satisfied either through a comprehensive program of economic and political empowerment or by extending the buying season for postage stamps featuring noteworthy black Americans by a factor of four.

  Since the establishment of Black History Month, other groups have been similarly honored.

  • March is shared between Women and Irish-Americans, and May among Jews, Asian Pacific-Americans, and “older” Americans. Old people get one-third of a month!

  • June has been reserved for honoring gay and lesbian pride along with Caribbean-American heritage, explaining June’s better-known name as Best Parades Ever Month.

  • Given the rapid demographic changes facing America, you would expect a Latino History Month by now, but National Hispanic Heritage Month covers September 15–October 15. While it is a four-week period of time, it’s not technically a “month” and forces those honoring the nation’s Latinos to buy two calendars.

  • November is National American Indian Heritage Month, in which Americans are encouraged to recognize the contributions of native peoples to our great nation by eating turkey and enjoying the bounty of the stolen lands beneath our feet.

  For schoolchildren, the Black History Month ritual is simple and automatic: make posters out of construction paper; attend the obligatory assembly; and learn one Negro spiritual. Exactly one. Probably “Wade in the Water.”*

  The options for adults, however, extend far beyond this narrow set of preprogrammed activities. In order to simplify your celebratory options, I’ve hand-selected this list of ten ways one can celebrate the contributions of African-Americans* to these United States, carefully designed with the non-black person in mind. At the end of the list, I provide a tool for you to assess your celebratory skills, so pay close attention.

  1. Change the Wallpaper on Your Computer or Mobile Phone to an Image of a Slave Plantation

  We’ll start with something simple. When your friends or coworkers ask you why you have a picture on your screen of slaves working the fields, you should smugly reply, “I believe in honoring the people who made America possible, don’t you?” Then gently touch your screen in a longing fashion and shake your head slowly. Just be sure to avoid saying anything like, “I know slavery was a horrible institution, but—” This sentence is impossible to complete in any reasonable way regardless of whether or not it is Black History Month and is especially troublesome on the presidential campaign trail. (I’m looking at you, Michele Bachmann.)

  2. Watch BET

  Never mind that it’s not owned by a black person anymore. You can still learn a lot from BET. Primarily, you will learn that black people love reruns, and if you’re lucky, you’ll catch the Tyler Perry movie! I know the Internet Movie Database says Perry has written over ten films, and there may be several titles and even different casts, but if you’ve seen one Tyler Perry movie, you’ve experienced the entire canon. The man has only made one film, and you can catch it on BET, repeatedly.

  3. Avoid Being Explicitly Racist

  This one can be a struggle for many. Racism is everywhere, and it comes naturally. But it’s considered to be extra offensive if you are explicitly racist toward black people during Black History Month. If nothing else, it shows a lack of discipline. If you’re serious about hating black people, prove it by delaying that hate for a few weeks. Racism is exhausting, and you could use a break. Take one! On March 1, you’ll return to peak form, fired up and ready to marginalize.

  4. Know the Key People

  There have been lots of unsung heroes in the history of Africans in America, but they’re unsung for a reason. To appear knowledgeable, you need to know only a few: Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.,
Rosa Parks, Malcolm X, Harriet Tubman, Sojourner Truth, Jackie Robinson, Muhammad Ali, W. E. B. Du Bois, Booker T. Washington, J.J. from Good Times, Frederick Douglass, Langston Hughes, Thurgood Marshall, Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., and Barack Obama. When in doubt, see if there’s ever been a feature-length film about the person or a T-shirt sold using his or her image. If the answer to both of these questions is no, move on.

  5. Observe Anything and Everything that President Obama Does

  Every single thing Barack Obama does is historic. If he clogs the toilet in the White House bathroom, he’s the first black president to damage White House plumbing. If he forgets the words to the “Star-Spangled Banner,” he’s the first black president to do so. If he continues to wage a war in Afghanistan, bails out Wall Street to avert financial disaster, and continues several of his predecessor’s anti–civil liberties practices, he’s the first black president to let down his progressive base. Regardless, it’s all wonderfully historic and beautifully black. By observing the nation’s first black president, you are indeed, directly and quite literally, observing black history! If someone asks how you’re celebrating Black History Month, it is perfectly acceptable to say, “Oh, I’m following President Obama on Twitter. I like my black history in 140 characters or less.”

  6. Hum a Negro Spiritual

  Spirituals are very important to black people, for we can be a soulful and musical people (which you would know if you watched BET, as instructed earlier). If you’ve never heard a spiritual, don’t let that stop you. Just start humming and hold the note. Then occasionally change the note. Add a little vibrato. Then return to the original note. Shake your head back and forth for emphasis. Get extra points for doing this while waiting for the office copy machine to finish a job, and get double extra bonus points for doing it when a black employee can see and hear you. (For a better understanding of this, spend extra time in the chapter “How to Be a Black Employee.”)

  7. Read The Autobiography of Malcolm X

  Better yet, just watch the movie, starring National Black Friend Denzel Washington. I especially love the part where he organizes the Fruit of Islam to protest outside of the Harlem police station, then surprises his mother by purchasing a mansion for her in the country with all the drug money he made being a rogue cop with Ethan Hawke in Los Angeles, all while coaching a debate team at a historically black college. Most of what you need to know about black history can be gleaned from these scenes.

  8. Acquire a New Black Friend

  Denzel and I are busy men. We can’t be the black friends for all of non–Black America. So it would behoove those of you who are not black to get your own. If you find yourself in the unfortunate position of being black-friendless, you can either go to the nearest black church and strike up a conversation, or just fire up Facebook, search for “black people,” and start clicking “Add Friend” on the names in the resulting lists. Technology is amazing and quite a time-saver.

  9. Put Pictures of Black People on Your (Non-Facebook) Wall

  Anyone who’s seen Spike Lee’s Do the Right Thing knows that if there’s one way to activate the dormant riot gene in an African-American, it’s by failing to place images of their peers on the walls of a neighborhood retail establishment, especially a pizza shop. To keep your shop glass intact, and to avoid unnecessary aggravation and insurance hassles, just put some pictures of jazz and blues musicians on the wall. If people ask, just say it’s Muddy Waters.

  10. Demonstrate Your Superior Knowledge of Black History in Front of Your Black Friend(s)

  This is an advanced-level activity. If you have had no prior experience with black people—the black friends newly acquired this month do not count—I strongly urge you to forgo this action. Neither Baratunde Thurston, HarperCollins, nor any representatives thereof can assume responsibility for you if you choose to ignore this warning. For those of you who have black friends already, good job! February is a good time to show how committed you are to understanding your friend’s struggle. As much as possible, ask your friend about his or her opinions on some extraordinarily specific detail related to black history and culture.* This is not the time for generalities. Get down in the weeds!

  For example:

  “Have you heard the latest tracks from the Carolina Chocolate Drops? It’s like this amazing fusion of old-school jug band meets Gaelic music meets hip-hop. Oh, you haven’t heard of them? Man, you should really check it out! It’s so real!”

  Your black friend will absolutely appreciate your knowing more than him or her about some aspect of black culture. You will be living proof of the value of Black History Month! Carter G. Woodson would be proud.

  While active observance of Black History Month is its own reward, there are more tangible benefits for those who exuberantly celebrate this month. Below, you will find a box detailing the different levels of recognition and privileges associated with your efforts.

  Number of Activities:

  0–1

  Award Level:

  Honorary KKK Member

  Award Detail:

  Really? Over the course of twenty-eight to twenty-nine days, you couldn’t manage to complete more than one activity? That’s essentially a hate crime. Please, try harder next year. I mean, how hard is it to visit BarackObama.com and do one other thing? You get no extra privileges.

  Number of Activities:

  2–4:

  Award Level:

  Tolerator of Black People

  Award Detail:

  Not bad! While not overexerting yourself, you managed to exceed the minimum. You can use this award to eat lunch at the black table in your school or office cafeteria without receiving any funny looks from black people. If someone seated at the table responds to you in an unwelcome manner, just show them your Tolerator Level award and your copy of this book. They will understand. This offer is only good for one-time use and expires within forty-three minutes of activation.

  Number of Activities:

  5–9

  Award Level:

  Negro Lover

  Award Detail:

  Well, well, well! It looks like somebody really loves black people. Go ahead with your bad self. You get three black-table lunches for use within a year; early access to any new albums by the Roots for life; and twice a year for the next five years, the ability to call out black people who you think are being overly sensitive about race.

  Number of Activities:

  10

  Award Level:

  Official Friend of Black America

  Award Detail:

  By completing all ten items, you have proven your commitment to the black American community far above and beyond what is necessary. In addition to all the benefits associated with the lower-level awards, you also have earned the right to attend two Secret Black Meetings a year, the unconditional forgiveness of one racist outburst, and a reusable tote bag.

  And that’s how you celebrate Black History Month. If you only acquired* this book to check off your Black History Month obligations, I suppose you could stop reading now, but you already have the book. You might as well keep going, because there’s a lot more to being black than February.

  This is a book about the ideas of blackness, how those ideas are changing, and how they differ from the popular ideas promoted in mainstream media and often in the black community itself.

  You’re probably familiar with the popular concept of blackness: hip-hop, crime and prison, fatherless homes, high blood pressure, school dropouts, drugs, athleticism, musical talent, The Wire, affirmative action, poverty, diabetes, the Civil Rights Movement, and, recently, the U.S. presidency. Some of these concepts are stereotypes. Some are true. Most are negative. But in the age of President Barack Obama, all of them are limiting and simply inadequate to the task of capturing the reality of blackness. The ideas of blackness that make it into mainstream thought exclude too much of the full range of who black people are. Whether it’s musical taste, dancing proficiency, occupation, or intellectual in
terest, all nuance is ignored for a simpler, often more sellable blackness. In this book, I will attempt to re-complicate blackness, exposing the challenges, the fun, and the future of being black in the United States. It’s also a convenient way to make you care about my life story.

  My name is Baratunde Thurston, and I’ve been black for over thirty years.

  I was born in 1977 in Washington, DC, in the wake of civil rights, Black Power, and Sanford & Son. My mother was a pro-black, Pan-African, tofu-eating hippie who had me memorizing the countries of Africa and reading about apartheid before my tenth birthday. My Nigerian name was not handed down to me from any known lineage, but rather claimed and bestowed upon me by parents, who demanded a connection, any connection at all, to Mother Africa.

  Yes, I grew up in the “inner city,” at 1522 Newton Street, and I survived DC’s Drug Wars. Yes, my father was absent—he was shot to death in those same Drug Wars. But it’s also true that I graduated from Sidwell Friends School, the educational home of Chelsea Clinton and the Obama girls, and Harvard University. I love classical music, computers, and camping. I’ve gone clubbing with the president of Georgia, the country, twice.

  My version of being black adheres as much to the stereotypes as it dramatically breaks from them, and that’s probably true for most of you reading this—if not about blackness itself, then about something else related to your identity. Through my stories, I hope to expose you to another side of the black experience while offering practical comedic advice based on my own painful lessons learned. For example:

  In “How to Be The Black Friend,” I shine a light on the type of black person who quietly does as much to promote positive interracial relations as any prominent civil rights activist ever could. In my opinion, The Black Friend is a national hero and should be honored for exemplary service.

  In “How to Speak for All Black People,” I give you the lowdown on how to break into the exploding world of black punditocracy on cable news. There is always some black-related thing happening somewhere in the world, and journalism can’t fill all those television programming hours, so those cameras might as well be pointed at you!